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I don’t want what I need.

Fuck this anxiety, I hate how many things I have to give up because mental health. I’m extremely set with my life’s @ timing right now and I’m gonna go head and fall off the planet for a while.

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-//- -||- -\- Psycodestortrion

Writing this been the most therapeutic thing I’ve ever tried. It took me like two weeks to finish, because I just can’t fucking write when I’m depressed, or focus enough for writing when I’m manic, so i struggle getting myself to do anything not involving having fun or playing music.

Uhh, suicide TW:

Each segment is basically just free verse while in moderate mood spikes.

And the peak, average and valley’s are -//- -||- -\- respectively.

I really haven’t made any real progress on not just pretending that I’m not gradually going blind, but hey one problem at a time, my issues definitely have a solid set of PTSD from emotional abuse, Manic depression from my genes, and wallowing in the fact that I’m going blind and owing the government several hundred dollars (I don’t think it over a grand anymore, but I just accepted as my current reality because the huge fucking price tag just makes me want to cry.

I don’t want to make anybody pity me, but I’ve just bottled this shit up and got slapped in the face with the debt and going too blind to ever drive again simultaneously and it kind of threw me off of my fragilely functional life.

Writing this is the only thing that has actually made me feel better in a long fucking time.


Read it or don’t. Your call.

Welcome into the part of me that that I avoid talking about to anybody at all costs.


-//-Plot twist: successful tumblr porn blogs, twitter users with 1000’s of followers, as well as most social memes are actually created by our secret intergalactic rulers of a space dolphin alien race who’s only objective is to test how a civilization would react to a binary system perpetuated by beliefs standard for a majority of humans to believe that a man was the God who created us — who by the way forgot to mention his work on the dinosaurs or the great dying or any fucking prehuman natural history, what a plot hole that the prophets who obviously were way too baked and simply zoned for the majority of god telling him the past, duh tumblr
, counter argument fools-//-

-||- Excuse me, I must for a moment, digress — I have manic depression, medically known as bipolar disorders, personally known as consonant fucking dissonance laced with inconsistency. Inconsistency that bounces from being a zombie to being atypical eccentricity infamous as a no limits, do everything, do everything for 4 days without sleeping, set no personal boundaries and live life too fucked up to remember where I put my wallet. It’s still cheaper than being in my basement draining my bank account on everything that I obviously need right now, Jesus Christ the manic episodes always get worse until I collapse into, what I’d imagine it would feel to be the closest I can come imagine what it would feel like to be used as human battery charger. Manic me lives life, a false projection on who I am subtly possessing my soul to live vicariously through me. -|-

-\- Fragments of glass in my throat project into my daydreams and I wonder if I’ve been forced to believe that I am a pathetic weak willed child conquered by the literal incarnation of my ego. I try to connect the aspects of myself but results absolutely vary — it seems only possible thing to do is to kill myself to kill me ego and be a less shitty fucking person. This is the only possible way I can avoid allowing myself to piss on the portrait of the life— a painting of a life that I could live portraying the functional human that actually somehow becomes brighter, conveniently located in a parallel universe of course — I don’t want to fucking die. But I have a limit to the the extremes I could reach in an extra intense episode of mania: Zach 420 (because my manic state is addicted to everything, obviously — I guess I am too, but I guess I try to blame it on that fucker to cope with it or something — and literally says things as obnoxiously cliche as quoting Reno 911 with a 420 reference — by the way, I make all the jokes I think of always when i’m manic, because I do everything apparently.

—||— (I kind of lost myself while writing in that in self loathing and gave up on it because depression sucks fucking ass.)
I’ll just use that as one of the mild and irritating examples of shit I do occasionally, and while I’ve never made a really horrible and rash decision that was extremely fucked up or extremely harmful to anybody but me, but I’m so inconsistent at trying to do life that when I feel like Im in control at all it’s too infrequently to even warrant actually giving a fuck about trying, because I’m in control so infrequently that I just have constant and severe anxiety and am to preoccupied with how much shock value there is in realizing that a month felt at first shorter than a couple days, with most memories being really hazy, and then feeling like a day felt like a month in a fucking nightmare of a funhouse of suicidal thoughts and mirrors, mirrors like distorted Instagram filters, filters distorted by self loathing suggestions of what I kind of think of as manic withdrawals.

Mania is the most addicting thing I’ve ever known. I hate it so much and I just want to get better.

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Dat post anxiety attack feeling of having an anvil on your chest and general uncomfortable feeling.

Gotta love it.

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WHAT THE FUCK — WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LOSE THE DIRECTIONS, TUMBLR?!?!

WHAT THE FUCK — WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LOSE THE DIRECTIONS, TUMBLR?!?!

(Source: irlcute, via theghostofslc)

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221b-tardis-street:

pau-ii:

obstreperous-honey:

encontrate:

thisispureinsanity:

candlejack:



WHAT IS THIS
WHAT IS THIS
WHAT
IS THIS A LIBRARY IN A THEATRE
ALL OF MY DREAMS HAVE JUST COME TRUE


oh. oh my god.

this is genuinely the most beautiful thing i have ever seen

This is a book store called El Ateneo in Buenos Aires, Argentina! You can have coffee while sitting on the stage. One of my favorite places in my city.

It’s a BOOKSTORE?!


there are balconies where you can sit to read too 

and that’s the stage where you can have a coffee :)



I WENT THERE LIKE A MONTH AGO AND LET ME TELL YOU, THIS PLACE IS HEAVEN.

221b-tardis-street:

pau-ii:

obstreperous-honey:

encontrate:

thisispureinsanity:

candlejack:

WHAT IS THIS

WHAT IS THIS

WHAT

IS THIS A LIBRARY IN A THEATRE

ALL OF MY DREAMS HAVE JUST COME TRUE

oh. oh my god.

this is genuinely the most beautiful thing i have ever seen

This is a book store called El Ateneo in Buenos Aires, Argentina! You can have coffee while sitting on the stage. One of my favorite places in my city.

It’s a BOOKSTORE?!

image

there are balconies where you can sit to read too 

image

and that’s the stage where you can have a coffee :)

image

I WENT THERE LIKE A MONTH AGO AND LET ME TELL YOU, THIS PLACE IS HEAVEN.

(Source: billions-of-stars, via ravingsofabitch)

Tags: need crying
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wintercapsicle:

popgeezer:

not-rocket:

don’t leak nudes

leak the avengers: age of ultron trailer

Bravo.

seriously though, where is the Avengers:Age of Ultron trailer. 

(via ravingsofabitch)

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adolfhitlersnipples:

if you don’t think bo burnham is brilliant you are wrong

adolfhitlersnipples:

if you don’t think bo burnham is brilliant you are wrong

(via f0xybaby)

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meladoodle:

i said brb to a guy on facebook 4 years ago and just now he replied ‘u back yet?’

(Source: meladoodle, via devriot)

Photoset

claudiaboleyn:

vivere-est-ars:

every woman on tumblr should have this on their dash

I don’t think this quite goes far enough, though. I mean, just thinking about the one with the magazine covers, women aren’t generally posed in a way that makes them look strong and healthy, are they? Usually the women on magazines are made to look smaller, put in absurd positions, eyes wide, lips pouting, made to seem more childlike. Infantalised and sexualised at once. Photoshopped into shapes that aren’t possible, their very bones shifted to make them seem more acceptable to the misogynist gaze. 

Just my opinion on that one. 

(Source: sizvideos, via theunintendedmuse)

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folwer:

but its important

folwer:

but its important

(via littlelotte-xo)